Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
