i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So here I am, sexting at work.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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