WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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