I wanna bring you to show and tell
My room smells like vodka and shame
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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