I just pynch a tree in the face
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Randomize
