I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
