How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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