she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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