so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
