He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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