I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
