She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
