Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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