I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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