i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
