Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
