doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
