I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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