you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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