My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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