No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Drunk is not a location!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize