My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize