Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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