I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
