I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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