It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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