I think I died a long time ago.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
