Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We're too hungover to prance.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
