How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
