Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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