Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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