He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
