I can't breathe out the right side of my face
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
