We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
