I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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