i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
