I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
