in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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