They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
pray to the hookup gods
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
