It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
