the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Congratulations! We have a period
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
