I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
