Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
