i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
