I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
