Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
