Umm I'm too high to move.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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