I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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