She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
