I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
