shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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