I think I won the penis lottery.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
