I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
