I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
