i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
