The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
