3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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