Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
