VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
