My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
