Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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