Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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